03 April 2009

A Cartoon Villain Who Lost to Retarded Heroes

An evil wizard with a degree. He lives in a forest in the middle of nowhere in a run-down hovel, so we're not sure how much good it's doing him.

In his early appearances in the cartoons he wanted to capture Smurfs in order to make gold. Later, he decided he wanted to eat them instead. Finally, he got tired of making excuses and admitted he just wanted to slaughter Smurfs because murder is awesome. That's why he named his cat Azrael, which is a name for the angel of death.

In addition to being an alchemist, he has the godlike ability to create life, and once created Sassette, a female smurf. If he can make his own smurfs, why does he continue to hunt the free ones? Because he's fucking Gargamel, that's why!

Who Was He Constantly Losing To?

Tiny (just "three apples tall") peace-loving communists that survive on Smurf berries and very limited skills.

Each smurf is named for their single, completely worthless "talent." You've got Hefty Smurf (remember, very small), Brainy Smurf, Jokey Smurf, Grouchy Smurf, Dreamy Smurf, etc. There is no Nucleary Smurf or Snipery Smurf or Impaley Smurf to be found.

A normal man of no supernatural powers shouldn't be losing to this group of penis-sized commies. Hell, the goddamned cat should have taken care of the whole village in an afternoon.

Courtesy of cracked.com

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